It’s late in the night, but I’ve been messed with my sleep schedules for some time now.
The truth is – I’m drowsy. Sleeping, keeps me away in dream world. Being awake and not occupied makes me think of what’s to come. I don’t want that. I do not want to face the fact the day of my departure is ever so close I want to pretend it’s just a mirage. A wild thought. A dream. Maybe… maybe if I sleep, I’ll dream another dream…
My mind tells me it isn’t so. I will be leaving soon. Maybe it won’t be as dramatic as I foresee. Maybe everything will work out. Maybe…
It’s so close now. I should be scheduling flights, renting a place… yet I just want to sleep a little longer and be here, at home, with mine, just a little longer, just pretending it will,, be forever like this.
Eh, I’ve always had a problem with that. Accepting change, that is. Things change. People change. Situations change. Feelings change. Opinions change. Everything changes. And all remains the same. It’s funny if you think about it. But nothing stays the same for ever, and that is exactly what never changes, ever – change itself.
I never enjoyed changes. Even when for the better. Even when afterwards I realize it was for the better. In the moment I never do enjoy change. I cling to the past so much…. why?
I have a need to remember, to hold on to what has gone by… but I dunno why. And despite some joy in recalling long gone events, mostly…. mostly it saddens me, because its an unglorious feat, impossible, futile… its impossible to remember it all,, to write all down, to somehow organize your memories and recall them flawlessly.
And maybe that’s for the better.
Maybe we are indeed suppose to forget.
Yet, this thoughts saddens me.
Its sad to forget. Even bad moments.. well, some times. I mean, should we not be more prepared and able if we remembered our past? Maybe sadder, depressed, without hope. But if that’s so. Does it mean we have joy, happiness and hope because we have forget? Well, now that IS a scary idea.
I dunno.
Me? I just wished things were different.
I am coming to terms about going, finally. It will hurt like hell, nonetheless. But, finally, I have managed to enjoy the now. As short lived as it may be.
I’m sleepy, to dull my senses.
Occupied with hobbies and pointless things to avoid diving in to my sea of feelings.
I think I remember now. Something I’ve forgotten.
I’m happy now.
How could I have forgotten that?
Ephemeral Mementos 